In the fall of 2012, God confronted me with these questions:
"If I were to take these things away from you, would you still love me?
Would you still call me good?" No surprise here but these questions
continue to be huge in my life. In the
fall of 2012, I was in the midst of struggling to stay in the Master’s program
due to financial struggles. I was working three jobs and barely making it. God
provided for me abundantly and I was able to continue on because of His grace.
Fast forward to April/May 2014. The same fear of losing my
status in the program creep up. This time it is not for financial reasons but
for academic. I started to question my ability and I get into this same
emotional struggle for control. God again provides for me so abundantly, giving
me one of the sweetest moments of peace during my presentation before the
history department. It was surreal. I had barely eaten or slept for the two
weeks leading up to this thing. I had sought God but found Him to be silent at
this time. He knew that my desire for control was killing me. Literally killing
me. The anxiety I felt, the fear, the depression was so great that I couldn’t
stand it. I prayed for death more in those two weeks than I had in the years I
have struggled with depression altogether. It was ridiculous.
So at this point in the story, some people might talk about
how their lives have improved or how their struggles have ended in this area. That
is not how my story has gone. I have always struggled with the concept of
control and letting God have control of my life. I love controlling every
aspect of my life. I do this a number of ways, whether it is by planning my
weeks out in detail or thinking about different scenarios that may happen in
the day and planning various responses. When things do not match my
expectations, I tend to feel lost or confused. This has definitely improved
over the course of time but I still struggle to some extent.
After finishing my presentation, I experienced extreme
relief. I still am currently working on edits to my paper so that I can advance
to candidacy, but I have not had the time to think about it lately. I am
currently preparing for summer teaching job with the Institute of Reading
Development. In this new job, I will be creating a positive association with
reading for students ranging in ages from 4 through adults. The training has
been crazy and demanding, but I have found so much joy in preparing for this
job.
The first phase of training produced a lot of anxiety that I
was not expecting. I had anxiety over ruining children’s lives, having my
students hate me, and being an ineffective teacher. I also began to feel the
need for community more than ever. Spending close to ten hours a day in front
of a computer with no social interaction nearly killed me (or at least it felt
like I was dying). As I felt alone, I began to realize that the source of my
anxiety shifted. I am starting to see that my anxiety is the result of a time
of transition. I have been in this period for some time, but the reality of it
has just now begun to manifest itself fully.
I am in limbo. I do not have a set next step. I still have
things to accomplish, to be sure, but I am in a state of waiting. I am in a
place of not knowing what exactly comes next. This may be ok for some but I
think the majority of the human population can relate to feeling some sort of
sorrow or brokenness during these periods of change.
But it is not an anxiety that is foreign to me. This is just
another aspect of my struggle to control. I argue with God constantly, stating
that if He let’s me in on what is next, I will be content. But He doesn’t want
to let me in just yet. He wants my trust. He is more than deserving. Looking
over the past years of my blog and notes, I can clearly see that He is active
and He is providing. But I still want control. What is worse is that I am
beginning to realize that I project this anxiety into my life and my
relationships. I feel like I am constantly losing ground each day and that I am
no better than where I started.
My supervisor for the summer has been extremely helpful in
directing me to truth. In one of our first conversations about these anxious
feelings he told me I was normal. Can you believe it? Me? Being normal? It is
true though. Someone out there is responding to the world just like I do.
Someone out there feels alone. Someone out there is broken and in need of
healing. The power in solidarity is not to be underestimated.
His words did not stop there. He asked me, “What story are
you telling yourself Athena?” This is the same thing that I have heard in
church my whole life, but for some reason, Ben’s words struck where others had
fallen flat. God had seen me miss His message so many times and continued to
seek a new way to reach me. It was life giving.
I am in this awkward phase of not knowing what is up. I am
not fully ok with it yet and maybe I never will be, but one thing that I am
going to try is to think about what I am going to achieve and not what I want
to avoid. The self-destructing cycle has to stop and I think this may be the
way to go about it.
So you are probably wondering what you just read. I am
wondering what I just wrote. It is perfectly normal. I am not sure what is
next, but if there is anything I have learned this semester, it is to just do
life and God will provide all else. He has done pretty darn amazing so far.