Identity Crisis

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2nd Corinthians 5:17

These past few weeks have been the result of an identity crisis. I feel like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables when he is running around singing "Who am I?" The truth is I have been trying to straddle two identities when my body and mind can only handle one. I have been trying to live out my identity as free in Christ but also base my identity around what my professors think. I have been trying to live out of both things on my own instead of just bringing it to God. As a result, I have not been passionate like I was this time last year. I have been miserable when I do my work, which is not me. 

I keep on trying to be a historian in my own strength instead of seeing my calling as something that God wants to use to glorify Himself as well as help me with. He does not want me to go all lone ranger on Him. He is desiring for me to come into His rest and allow Him to work through me. I have been so burdened with this that it has led to fear which has led to procrastination which has led to no progress. 

From this moment on I want to dwell on my identity in Christ. I am not sure how I will do this but I have decided to actively pursue it. This is a step that I do not know how to clearly move and I am praying that you will also pray for me in these things.

Fear is the Enemy of Productivity

While it is still the beginning of the semester, I already feel exhausted and burnt out. I have felt on the verge of tears everyday for the past week, between working on my conference paper and trying to keep up with everything and everyone. I wake up every morning, look at my to-do list and instantly feel exhausted. This is a major problem and I have been wrestling with myself to figure out what is wrong with me.

Last semester, I discovered that I was procrastinating on major projects (like my 510 20 page historiography) because I was afraid. I was so afraid that I sucked that I would just put off work until it was absolutely necessary. I am not doing that this semester but the fear that I was fighting last semester is still there, hindering my creativity and productivity.

Why am I so afraid of failure or making a mistake or needing improvement. I seriously cried/slept for half a day because my favorite professor gave me criticism that I just could not understand. My fear has not only made me lazy but has also destroyed my ability to understand what I am supposed to do. This perpetuates this cycle of fear.

But why is failure or making a mistake so frowned upon in our society? I understand that you do not want to make a mistake when it comes to things involving people (like bridges or buildings), but why are the stakes so high? My professors still get criticism and yet it seems like as a graduate student making a mistake is the worst thing. Criticism means that you can still improve and grow. It means that I still have purpose. One of the things that I love about what I do is that it is never done. There are new things to explore and new ways I can grow. I will always be working on my writing; I will never be perfect at writing and someone will always have suggestions as to how it can be better. The day that everyone says, "Oh this is perfect, " is the day I will be truly sad because it means one of two things: 1) I am finished and serve no purpose or 2) The person reviewing did not care enough to actually read it.

I know this in the idea that I am familiar with it (kennen auf Deutsch) but I do not have experiential knowledge (wissen auf Deutsch). I hope that as I try to remember these things that I will stop being so hard on myself. I am in progress and I need to be ok and understanding of this fact.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Life goes on. The past few days have been full of great productivity and incredible happiness. I am extremely blessed.

Then why this sadness? Why this sorrow that seems to shade my days?

I woke up this morning to see that a wonderfully talented woman that I go to school with has been accepted to a PhD program straight out of undergrad. I could not be happy for her. This is ridiculous of me but the tears came to my eyes and I could not hold them back. Even as I type this post, I am still sobbing. Why do I get this way every time someone is more successful than I? Why can I not just rejoice with them and realize that I am ok?

The answer: I have placed all confidence in myself and my accomplishments. I read on my pastor's facebook wall a quote that seems fitting:

 " We fear men so much, because we fear God so little.”
― William Gurnall

It is true. I have put my confidence in myself for so long. I allow my joy to be pushed to the side in favor of sorrow. I do not fight for joy. I give my heart to every other cause except the one that can save.

I need to remember these wonderful truths that were shared on Sunday:

• My God desires an unprecedented personal relation with me (Joshua 1:9, John 10)
• My God acts (Exodus 14:14, Hebrews 13:5-6)
• My God is sovereign (James 4:14-15)

Break my heart for what breaks yours

So this week has been super awesome. I felt busy last week and felt it come Sunday. While at church, I decided to commit to waking up an hour earlier each day to have time for coffee and reading my Bible. It has been a struggle but the feeling has been worth it. As I read through James 3, particularly through verses 13-18, I started thinking about my chosen career path. In history, we discuss how basically everything is a social construct, especially religion. I have always just kind of put this argument off and stated that I can agree up to the point of religion. I was thinking about how to reconcile the two, religion and social constructs, and came up with the following conclusion: I can believe that religion is a social construct. Man determines how religion with be acted out on the day to day and as we see in history, Christians have definitely manipulated God's word to do some pretty atrocious things. But what is awesome is that even is accepting that religion may be a construct and I can believe with confidence that God is not. No, I have not come up with concrete, scientific proof or wondrous, eloquent words of rational thought that will prove to every person that God exists, but I can still see the truth. In my life and the course of history, I find it impossible to deny God's presence. I have seen Him too concretely to ever turn from Him. I see Him in the pages of my history books and it breaks my heart that my professors cannot see Him. I do not doubt their brains because these are incredibly gifted individuals and I respect them. But the truth is that there is a God who loves them, but their hearts are not open to the possibility.

As I sat in one of my classes today, I prayed the lyrics from the song "Hosanna" which read:

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdom's cause

As I wrote these words into my notes, I started sobbing. My professor for this class is one that I truly care about and I can just see that his heart is so opposed to the love of Christ. I do not think this is from lack of intelligence. This is a brilliant man whom I have come to respect and admire greatly. But his intense disdain for Christianity hurts. I am worried that I will not get to share eternity worshiping our creator with him and  that he will be forever separated from God's love. I know that God's feelings in this matter are even stronger than mine, but sometimes I wish God would just soften hearts that I feel are impenetrable. I feel as though I suck at being a follower of Christ because I am not able to say something that inspires this professor to think differently. In fact, I rarely talk to him about these things because I just feel rejected before I even begin.

I know that God loves this professor even more than I do. I know that God is the one who softens the ground. I know that God will ultimately prevail. I am just so sad by the current state of affairs.

Welcome to my new blog. With the start of a new season in my life, I figured it was about time to start a new blog. As I have been studying God's word this past semester, the reoccurring theme in what I have read is "Do Not Fear." I drew from Lamentations 3: 55-58, which states,

I called on your name, O Lord,
    from the depths of the pit;
⁵⁶ you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
    your ear to my cry for help!’
⁵⁷ You came near when I called on you;
    you said, ‘Do not fear!’

⁵⁸ “You have taken up my cause, O Lord;
    you have redeemed my life.

This is what I want to walk in this next season, as with all the days of my life. I will post what I am struggling with, the work I am doing, as well as random thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to walk on this journey with me.