Berlin Update

So updating everyday just cannot happen. I post the photos of the day but I am too exhausted when I get back to the hotel each night. But to keep y’all up to date as much as possible I will sum up each city. We are currently on a four hour train to Prague and I am sad to leave Berlin. From the second we landed, I was at home. I love hearing the German language spoken and being around good food all the time. After the first night and hanging out with Kortnie and Laine, we spent the day walking basically all over Berlin. We did not finish until probably 7am or 8am after starting at 9:30am. We started with the Topography of Terror museum, which I saw the last time. It gives the same general overview of the Holocaust as all the others but I decided to see how women were portrayed or what languages was used to describe them. I am not 100% sure what I really can come with yet, but I notice that the word “innocent” is used with the killing of women more often than with men. 

After that we took a walking tour with this laminated pictures of an artistic installation from 1991. It was weird to be confronted with these three times periods all at one time. Then I got to switch off with Dr. Blutinger and teach my fellow classmates about a few memorials. It was fun to share this information with them and to see their reactions to the memorials. Jack actually pointed out the fact that the Rosenstrasse Memorial, while dedicated to women, has like no women on it. I may end up writing about that. I am just obsessed with the gendered language within Holocaust memorialization

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We conclude the tour and grabbed dinner at anarchistic/punk pizza place. The pizza was so good and the company was even better. I am enjoying the group but I still feel like I am not really accepted. I try to get things going and no one wants to join. I find what is even more frustrating is the fact that Dr. Blutinger is so willing to spend time with everyone. Last time he was trying to escape from us at every turn. 

Monday I had to be at the archive at 9 so I headed out earlier than the others. It was a good experience and taught me to be brave when asking for directions from Germans. I did get some good information on how to prepare for my next archive visit and the archivist said she wanted me to come back and do more research. She was so nice!

After the archive, I went with some of the students to Café Einstein Stammhaus for Apfelstrudel and whipped cream as well as a wonderful iced coffee. We also went to KaDeWe to look at the toys and ate döner kabap at Mustafa’s. It was fun to drink beer in line and then eat delicious food.

Yesterday we went to the Wannsee Conference house and I got to walk in the backyard. I want to live there so badly. I then broke off from the group to just see Bonhoeffer’s house. I got there not expecting the guide to be there but he was. He was a wonderful archivist who let me see the whole of the house and gave me such great information for my thesis. I was also asked to come back to do research there as well.

I need some coffee so I went to Fassbender und Rausch. I had an iced coffee with a tiramisu tort. It was freakin bomb. I loved it so much and did not want to leave the cool of the café but I had to meet with the class. We toured the information center under the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. We discussed the museum but one thing people do not seem to notice is the voids that are created intentionally within Holocaust memorials. Broken space meant to represent broken relationships. It is one of the things within studying the Holocaust that always points me back to the need for Christ. 

We concluded out day with dinner near the hostel and packing. Berlin is such a wonderful city but I am looking forward to seeing the Disneyland-meets-a-frat-party that is Prague. Will update in a few days.

I have found the place that I wish to call "Heimat"

Hello all! I have survived the crazy flights and severe case of jet lag that has gotten me to Germany. I felt, just as last time, that I was at home, walking the streets of LA and spending time with friends. This time was a little different because I had friends who have been studying in Germany this past year come to visit. We went out to dinner at a traditional German place and then got coffee after. While we did these things, we had such great conversation about what is going on in each others lives. I love being able to be vulnerable with these women and they have been the same with me. We may not agree on everything all the time, but we love one another and are able to encourage each other regardless. Parting with them was hard, but luckily for me they come back to the states in about two months.

Yesterday was insane. We had a full schedule that included basically a walking tour of the whole city, visiting various spots and memorials. I had the opportunity to share some of what I have studied, which is such a blessing, and introduced a few of my fellow students to doener! The day was amazing and tiring so we all came back and went to bed. Today is going to be an extremely different day for me. I am going to an archive in Kreuzburg and then a cafe with my classmates. I am hoping to convince some of them to join me on an adventure to Bonhoeffer's house and a memorial center to resistance movements. We shall see!

I will write more in detail later today. I am still really tired and my body is not cooperating. Keep prayers coming for me. I think it is the tiredness but I keep getting extreme feelings of loneliness and low self-worth.

PS: Heimat means hometown.

Ich bin nach Deutschland gehen!

Hey all! I am leaving TODAY! I am pretty excited about this trip and all the possibilities that it may hold. I am trying to be prepared but not be so focused on my expectations. I would ask you to pray for me as I am abroad as well as pray for the students I am with. I get to actually do some teaching on this trip, which is incredibly exciting for me and I will be sharing as much as I can with you each day. I have about an hour until I leave for the airport so I will leave it here for now but please be praying. The next time I update, I will be in Germany!

And I'm preparing every part for you

So it has kind of been a while. I have had so much going as of late that I have not been able to update as frequently as I would like. That is probably for the better though. The past few weeks have been some crazy hills and valleys. As most of you know, I struggle with depression and anxiety. Now I can add insomnia to the mix. I have not been sleeping very well or very much. It makes for an even more caffeine-dependent Athena. God has shown Himself in ways that I could have never imagine and I am incredibly grateful for this. I have been learning more and more how to rely on Him and His strength, but I still see myself fighting for control.

I was talking with Dr. Blutinger on Facebook and told him things out of my anger with God. As I result, Dr. B became concerned, which resulted in me having to talk with the department chair. Dr. Quam-Wickham is so incredibly awesome and so encouraging. She understood where I was coming from and even though she might not have understood how my faith plays into these things, she helped me out a lot. Since then I have been trying to regularly get time with God. I have not been consistent with it this semester and can feel it. I started a study a week ago that I am calling "Who am I?: My Identity in Jesus Christ." It takes a list of different things that God specifically calls us and the verses that go along with these identities. I look at the definition of the word and then read through the verse to see what God has to say about me. It is amazing how I feel after these things. I am still struggling with giving God full control in my life but I am working on the foundation. Last year I told everyone that I did not want to live in the identity of depression. I did not want to label myself as someone with depression. I want to know what God sees in me, and what He finds is beauty.

The title of this post comes from a Sufjan Stevens song called "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands." Sufjan gets the title for the song from Isaiah 55:12 which states, 

"You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands."

The song and verse have been very relevant to me lately. They both talk about how we have to surrender to the knowledge that we cannot be everything for ourselves. I know this is not a popular notion. The fact is I cannot heal my broken mind; I am not capable of stopping my depression; I cannot control everything in my life. God is everything and is more than capable for everything.

If you want to check out the song, here it is! 

 God has also shown me so much encouragement and love through others. I went to the History Department Awards Night last night and received the Chinski Award for excellence in Holocaust scholarship. Dr. Blutinger introduced me and the words he said made me cry. It is incredibly hard to see these things within myself and for another person to remind of my identity, I am stunned. The things He pointed out are a direct result of Christ working in my life. He may not agree but it is true. I had professors congratulating me which felt awesome. I had one professor, Dr. Kelleher, come up to me and tell me that she felt my paper was exactly what the donors would have envisioned when they established this award. I was so shocked by the kindness. I walked back to my car praising God for these sweet gifts that reminded me of my true identity. 

I have so much to learn. Thankfully, I serve a God who never tires of my progress for He knows that I will be in progress as long as I am on this earth. I am still broken--mentally, spiritually, physically--but He is healing me. He is showing me more and more how He is responsible for the plan and the result, I just have to try. Thank you for stopping by to read this post!

The View of 23

Well, I am officially 23 years of age now. Just like every year I feel no different, but I have had a delightful time celebrating with so many wonderful friends who, by the grace of God, love me. I am beyond blessed to know so many wonderful people and this past week has been amazingly full of His provision: receiving travel grants, scholarships, pay increases, free food and drink, and many other things. God has truly shown that I am limited, but He is infinite and will provide.

I just want to thank you all for your prayers and your encouragement. I feel so overwhelmed with joy.

Identity Crisis

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2nd Corinthians 5:17

These past few weeks have been the result of an identity crisis. I feel like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables when he is running around singing "Who am I?" The truth is I have been trying to straddle two identities when my body and mind can only handle one. I have been trying to live out my identity as free in Christ but also base my identity around what my professors think. I have been trying to live out of both things on my own instead of just bringing it to God. As a result, I have not been passionate like I was this time last year. I have been miserable when I do my work, which is not me. 

I keep on trying to be a historian in my own strength instead of seeing my calling as something that God wants to use to glorify Himself as well as help me with. He does not want me to go all lone ranger on Him. He is desiring for me to come into His rest and allow Him to work through me. I have been so burdened with this that it has led to fear which has led to procrastination which has led to no progress. 

From this moment on I want to dwell on my identity in Christ. I am not sure how I will do this but I have decided to actively pursue it. This is a step that I do not know how to clearly move and I am praying that you will also pray for me in these things.

Fear is the Enemy of Productivity

While it is still the beginning of the semester, I already feel exhausted and burnt out. I have felt on the verge of tears everyday for the past week, between working on my conference paper and trying to keep up with everything and everyone. I wake up every morning, look at my to-do list and instantly feel exhausted. This is a major problem and I have been wrestling with myself to figure out what is wrong with me.

Last semester, I discovered that I was procrastinating on major projects (like my 510 20 page historiography) because I was afraid. I was so afraid that I sucked that I would just put off work until it was absolutely necessary. I am not doing that this semester but the fear that I was fighting last semester is still there, hindering my creativity and productivity.

Why am I so afraid of failure or making a mistake or needing improvement. I seriously cried/slept for half a day because my favorite professor gave me criticism that I just could not understand. My fear has not only made me lazy but has also destroyed my ability to understand what I am supposed to do. This perpetuates this cycle of fear.

But why is failure or making a mistake so frowned upon in our society? I understand that you do not want to make a mistake when it comes to things involving people (like bridges or buildings), but why are the stakes so high? My professors still get criticism and yet it seems like as a graduate student making a mistake is the worst thing. Criticism means that you can still improve and grow. It means that I still have purpose. One of the things that I love about what I do is that it is never done. There are new things to explore and new ways I can grow. I will always be working on my writing; I will never be perfect at writing and someone will always have suggestions as to how it can be better. The day that everyone says, "Oh this is perfect, " is the day I will be truly sad because it means one of two things: 1) I am finished and serve no purpose or 2) The person reviewing did not care enough to actually read it.

I know this in the idea that I am familiar with it (kennen auf Deutsch) but I do not have experiential knowledge (wissen auf Deutsch). I hope that as I try to remember these things that I will stop being so hard on myself. I am in progress and I need to be ok and understanding of this fact.